you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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