JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
