The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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