I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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