Can i not drive my cunt home
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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