Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
