is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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