I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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