i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
