then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
