Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize