Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
