im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
