shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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