i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
