I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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