Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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