you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
