Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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