All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
