if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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