I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
