The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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