every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you told grandpa to call you daddy
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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