I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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