well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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