Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize