Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
