i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
