We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
