Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
