I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
