i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize