Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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