i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
