you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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