Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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