dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
