Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
