fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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