I wish I could teleport
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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