an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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