My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
