Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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