Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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