Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize