Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
