It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
