After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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