i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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