My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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