This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
