I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
