You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
