Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
