Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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