i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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