I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
